A Parent who go to work pick’s up her child from creche after work and goes back home tired. After that also she has got work at home. Now the only option for her will be to keep her child occupied with TV or mobile, so that the child doesn’t disturb her. The parent’s who are smarter will involve the child in cooking or in their household activities so the child has limited access to TV/ Mobile. Most of the Mother’s finds it easy to give the mobile in child’s hand for distraction. Some times this becomes the habit. Child feels mobile is more interesting than any other thing. Now the parents are compelled to give the mobile otherwise the child throws tantrums.
Now lets take a teenage scenario. Most teenagers are on mobile because they find it more interesting than the real world. Parents keep complaining about this and few parents take away the mobile from the teenagers. Now when it comes to Teen, it becomes a serious power struggle. Now there is heated argument between parents and teenagers and always ends up in a mess. Parents always operate from their world. Lets step into teen’s world. For teen Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Movies etc are peer pressure. All their friend’s are in it and if the teen is not in it then the teen is taken out of the group. For teenagers, Friends are everything. Friends are their world. They always wanted to be included.
Now lets talk about the solutions. We as parents need to become their friends, the question is how? What do friends do? Friends only listen, play, talk openly. But as parents we come from our experience and just think about what was your last conversation with the child. It would be advice or order and sharing our experience. What they need is a listener, that too an empathetic listener. Can we provide our children, the space for listening. Rather than asking them to come to our world. Let’s enter into their world. Now let’s analyse the cause why they are with mobile. Now let’s create an environment that is more interesting than the mobile. Lets discuss their ways. You can play with them, you can learn their hobbies or interests. In this way you will be in their world. More importantly trust them and enter into a contract with them about the time they will use mobile. Lets say the child and parent agrees not to use it after 10:00 PM, Both parent’s and teen has to practice it. Taking off the mobile from them gives them a message that parents do not trust them. Instead tell him that “I trust you that you will not use it after 10:00 PM”. Initially he may cheat us. But even by knowing that still trust him and have unconditional love, so the chances of transformation are more.
0-8 years are where the main character formation is done. Parents who are new, should give their full attention in parenting. As per the studies of Transactional analysis – a field of psychotherapy, has identified twelve negative parental commands. They are called injunctions. They can be given through modeling, rewarding certain behaviors or direct expressions. Sometimes, they are not even given by the parent. The child creates them through misinterpretations.
There are just 12 prohibitions. You can quickly go through them and recognize if any applies to you. You can immediately check if you are sending any of those messages to your children.
Are you brave enough to go through the 12 injunctions? Check if any of them still haunts you? Let’s get started.
- Don’t be (don’t exist). This is one of the most harmful messages. Maybe your parents did not want you in the first place. Maybe they felt your needs were too much. There is a Facebook group called ‘I regret having children’ that keeps growing. Those parents need to be careful when they communicate with their children. Comments like ‘If it weren’t for you I would have a career’ or ‘I would divorce your father’ can send this message. A lot of people with suicidal tendencies or depression are complying with a ‘do not exist’ injunction.
- Don’t be who you are. Maybe your parents wanted you to be more like them and less like you. Maybe they had different expectations about your appearance or your personality. Maybe they wanted you to be a different gender.
- Don’t be a child. This message is usually sent to first-born children. You might have been asked to look after your siblings and be responsible. To not make mistakes or act silly. Do you tend to get the weight of the world on your shoulders?
- Don’t grow up. This message is usually directed to the youngest child in the family. It is worse when the parents do not have a strong relationship between them. They derive meaning from having a ‘baby’ to look after. You may have complied by being immature, acting out or delaying leaving the nest.
- Don’t think. When you started questioning everything as a toddler, your parents got annoyed. They discouraged you when you had a different opinion than them.
- Don’t feel. When you cried or were upset, your parents felt uncomfortable. They got angry with you, they shut you out or tried to distract you. They said things like: ‘Big boys don’t cry’ or ‘nice girls do not get angry.’ Do you have tears leaving your eyes when you get angry? Do you get angry when you really are sad? You may have learned to substitute certain emotions with others that were more acceptable in your home.
- Don’t do anything. “Don’t run.’ ‘Don’t climb high.’ ‘Don’t get dirty.’ Your parents tended to do everything for you. They were too afraid for your safety. You may start things, but not finish them. You may struggle to make decisions as you think the world is a scary place.
- Don’t be well (or sane). Your parents only paid attention to you when you were not well. They rewarded bizarre behavior. You have learned to get attention from others by being unwell or unstable.
- Don’t be important. You grew up hearing ‘Children are to be seen and not be heard’ and ‘You should not talk at the dinner table.’
- Don’t make it in your life. Were your parents angry when you won them in a game? Did they set unattainable standards, so it was impossible for you to succeed? It could be that your parents were unconsciously jealous and did not want you to surpass them.
- Don’t be close: Your parents felt uncomfortable with intimacy. They did not show affection. They may have taught you not to trust others or not to share your life.
- Don’t belong: Your parents judged your friends and any group you attached yourself to. You may have moved around a lot as a child.
We may have these injunctions and our child may also get these injunctions through our messages.
Hope the article helps you!
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